He's tough as nails, funny as sh*t and has a moustache that puts Tom Selleck's to shame - and now, Heath Franklin's Chopper is back on New Zealand shores for his biggest tour yet!
With no-holds barred, and no bars to hold him back, New Zealand’s ‘most wanted’ funnyman will hit 15 towns and cities around the country throughout November and December.
But despite his busy schedule, we managed to nab some time with Uncle Chop Chop to talk Bear Grylls, Kiwi women and an unusual addition to the cast of 'The Hobbit'...
CC: Hi Chopper! You’ve just kicked off your New Zealand tour – why should Kiwis come and see your show?
Chopper: Because they’ll laugh! And because if they don’t, I’ll find out where they live and poo in their letterbox.
CC: We hear Bear Grylls makes a guest appearance in this show. Who would win in a fight between you and Bear?
Chopper: Oh look I’m not gonna mess around, Bear Grylls is a hard bastard, y’know, he’ll eat a raw snake, he’ll sleep in a carcass, that kinda business. Even drinks his own whiz. Not judging, I’m just saying, I wouldn’t do that.
But he does also sound like he’s got a toffee in his bum and he looks like a boarding school boy, so I reckon me. I can make a knife out of a toothbrush, and he can make a boat out of pants – who’s gonna win that fight?
CC: You’ve been quite a regular this season on ‘7 Days’ – what do you make of the other panellists?
Chopper: Oh yeah, no they’re great. Dai Henwood is a very funny bloke, Paul Ego’s messed up. And Corbett, everyone loves Corbett, he’s like a big enthusiastic dog that used to host ‘Deal Or No Deal’.
CC: What do you make of the Kiwi ladies Chopper?
Chopper: Oh y’know, they’ve got an unrefined charm. Actually most of them are pretty good looking. I did get a phone call once from a girl in the South Island, she was calling me from her milking shed, and I said to her ‘You had me at ‘I’m in the milking shed.’’ Y’know, that’s classy. It’s nice to know that while a woman’s trying to pick you up she’s got her greasy hands on a cow’s teats.
CC: If you were cast in the film ‘The Hobbit’, which character would you play and why?
Chopper: Oh I’d probably be Stabby the Dwarf. He was also left out of ‘Snow White’ too. But y’know it’s like ‘Ohh Sleepy, how do we wake him up?’ Few bloody shots to the ribs, all of a sudden he’s back again! And Sneezy, I reckon take out a bit of his bloody sinuses, yeah he’ll be fixed in no time as well. Just bloody... *motions shoving a knive up his schnoz* ...twist it around, wop! Out it comes! Sure Sneezy might have to change his name to Bleedy, but we’ll figure that out.
CC: And finally, which celebrities do you think need to ‘harden the f**k up’?
Chopper: Ohh pretty much all of 'em really. It would do a lot of celebrities a lot of good if they were kidnapped, beaten a bit and pushed out of a moving van in a third world country. Try and tell me that wouldn’t sort some of Tom Cruise’s f**ked-upperyness out of him!
Chopper's ‘A Hard Bastard's Guide to Life (or how to be less of a f**ktard)’ is coming to a town near you this month! CLICK HERE for a full list of dates...
With no-holds barred, and no bars to hold him back, New Zealand’s ‘most wanted’ funnyman will hit 15 towns and cities around the country throughout November and December.
But despite his busy schedule, we managed to nab some time with Uncle Chop Chop to talk Bear Grylls, Kiwi women and an unusual addition to the cast of 'The Hobbit'...
CC: Hi Chopper! You’ve just kicked off your New Zealand tour – why should Kiwis come and see your show?
Chopper: Because they’ll laugh! And because if they don’t, I’ll find out where they live and poo in their letterbox.
CC: We hear Bear Grylls makes a guest appearance in this show. Who would win in a fight between you and Bear?
Chopper: Oh look I’m not gonna mess around, Bear Grylls is a hard bastard, y’know, he’ll eat a raw snake, he’ll sleep in a carcass, that kinda business. Even drinks his own whiz. Not judging, I’m just saying, I wouldn’t do that.
But he does also sound like he’s got a toffee in his bum and he looks like a boarding school boy, so I reckon me. I can make a knife out of a toothbrush, and he can make a boat out of pants – who’s gonna win that fight?
CC: You’ve been quite a regular this season on ‘7 Days’ – what do you make of the other panellists?
Chopper: Oh yeah, no they’re great. Dai Henwood is a very funny bloke, Paul Ego’s messed up. And Corbett, everyone loves Corbett, he’s like a big enthusiastic dog that used to host ‘Deal Or No Deal’.
CC: What do you make of the Kiwi ladies Chopper?
Chopper: Oh y’know, they’ve got an unrefined charm. Actually most of them are pretty good looking. I did get a phone call once from a girl in the South Island, she was calling me from her milking shed, and I said to her ‘You had me at ‘I’m in the milking shed.’’ Y’know, that’s classy. It’s nice to know that while a woman’s trying to pick you up she’s got her greasy hands on a cow’s teats.
CC: If you were cast in the film ‘The Hobbit’, which character would you play and why?
Chopper: Oh I’d probably be Stabby the Dwarf. He was also left out of ‘Snow White’ too. But y’know it’s like ‘Ohh Sleepy, how do we wake him up?’ Few bloody shots to the ribs, all of a sudden he’s back again! And Sneezy, I reckon take out a bit of his bloody sinuses, yeah he’ll be fixed in no time as well. Just bloody... *motions shoving a knive up his schnoz* ...twist it around, wop! Out it comes! Sure Sneezy might have to change his name to Bleedy, but we’ll figure that out.
CC: And finally, which celebrities do you think need to ‘harden the f**k up’?
Chopper: Ohh pretty much all of 'em really. It would do a lot of celebrities a lot of good if they were kidnapped, beaten a bit and pushed out of a moving van in a third world country. Try and tell me that wouldn’t sort some of Tom Cruise’s f**ked-upperyness out of him!
Chopper's ‘A Hard Bastard's Guide to Life (or how to be less of a f**ktard)’ is coming to a town near you this month! CLICK HERE for a full list of dates...
Copyright : Comedy Central New Zealand