According to Chopper, since the dawn of time Man has questioned the origin and meaning of his existence. And it’s just that sort of useless f**king around that's got us to where we are today - in the middle of a self-congratulatory, bargain-priced, capitalist-induced anxiety wank storm.
So on that note, we've decided to cut the boring old, bog-standard, bullsh*t interviews and let Uncle Chop Chop tell it how it is...
Tell us about your biggest/weirdest obsession at the moment?
I’ve gone a bit ‘Howard Hughes’ at the moment, so I’m just in my home cinema bottling urine and screaming orders into a microphone.
What's the stupidest thing you've done whilst intoxicated?
Shaving and haircuts are always better left to the sober.
What's been the biggest hit for you at a dress up party so far?
I went to a Halloween party dressed quite normally but with a realistic gunshot wound to the face. I think it was more unsettling than being dressed as a witch. Another time I went as a reanimated monster constructed from human remains who had a propensity for giving out manual sexual favours. Everyone loved ‘Wankenstein’.
Best prank you've ever played on somebody?
Once I went on a boat with a guy and clubbed him to death with an oar and then stole his identity and started living his life. Classic.
Funniest opening line for a wedding speech?
"I’ve seized the grooms hard drive and I have prepared a highlights package for you all..."
What would you say to Batman if you met him, and you were naked?
"Have you got something in that belt I can use to hide my junk from the world, Batman?"
Meanest thing you could tell a telemarketer?
Because of your job you will die lonely.
Finish this joke... 'A man walks into a brothel...'
...He is a lot luckier than a guy who flew a plane into a mountain, but at least the guy who flew the plane into the mountain didn’t have to explain to his wife all the unusual purchases that show up on his credit card statement.
If you were Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino's mirror - what would you say to him tomorrow morning?
Who the f**k are you?
What's your gangster rap name?
MC IKEA, I drop a bunch of disassembled rhymes in a box and you have to take it home and build it with an allen key.
An overweight volleyball team needs a new name and they've come to you for help. What did you come up with?
I’d explain to them that as athletes competing at an elite level a name change isn’t going to improve their performance, and what they really need is proper dietary and fitness preparation for their chosen sport. If they didn’t listen to that I’d maybe suggest they call themselves the ‘second servings’ or ‘fat slappers’.
Where's the strangest place for a man to get his willy stuck?
In a parallel universe.
What's your party trick?
Not drinking until I beat people up.
HEATH FRANKLIN’S CHOPPER IN ‘CHOPPER’S GUIDE TO DOING LIFE’
Dates: 7pm, Sat Apr 30 & Tues Mar 3 – Sat Mar 7
Venue: Comedy Chamber (Auckland Town Hall)
Tickets: Adults $38 / Conc. $34 / Groups 8+ $34 (Service fees may apply)
Booking: www.the-edge.co.nz, 0800 BUY TICKETS (0800 289 842)
Copyright : Comedy Central New Zealand